So I was sitting around procrastinating tonight, and being a horrible conversationalist who makes everyone feel worse, when I happened to mention something that I hadn't realized I did until I started typing it out.
I was talking about music, and having some songs that are just all about happy memories, an indiscriminate jumble of them. Like, when you're feeling down, you can listen to this song, and while it may not make you feel better, it may make you want to cry out of a sort of nostalgia. But even in that case, it's a sort of reminder.
Someone was down, and I said that he should gather up some happy memories, not focusing too much on the context, and think of a song that reminds him of that feeling.
And it's funny, because I do that. Subconsciously.
And those are the songs that I run across when I'm sad and they make me feel terrible at first, but then sort of nostalgic and hopeful in a way.
Of course, when I'm really happy sometimes those songs will have the total adverse effect, making me think about why I wasn't before.
I do it with sad memories too. Memories of fights I don't want to think about, terrible things I've said, comments that I've overheard about me... It's sort of cathartic I guess.
Anyway, I was just sitting here, with a new song that makes me happy because of its pure technical beauty playing, and thinking about good times.
And because this song is playing, it doesn't matter that the happy memories have a negative side, that I can never get those specific situations back again. Because technically, each individual image is beautiful. They make me feel special because they happened to me. Because whether or not I deserved them isn't the issue, looking back.
So thanks guys. Times of lying on the dock at Jacquie's doing nothing... jumping in the frigid lake... watching daytime t.v.... shows... paddling by myself... some perfect seconds that made me feel beautiful...
Little individual snippets of a million things. Those are all great memories.
And they're hopeful together.,
So in the past week, I've written 2 major essays, two reading responses, some calculus, some french presentation-ness and some drama work.
Essentially, I've just not really been sleeping. But it's not like that's abnormal.
And today I cleaned my room a bit, and sat some more, and that's about it.
And I'm REALLY too tired to even write anything this second.
I'll do it later. Night.,
So I was over at a friend's earlier, and we didn't actually have a real conversation until I left and came back here. The reason? well "it could possibly be because I'm a huge loser who enjoys the anonymity afforded her by her computer".
Yes.
I actually said that, in the context of a conversation.
Granted, I was working on english at the time, so my language was a little bit off... but I still can't believe I wrote that on the spur of the moment. I'm such a geek.
We messed up a little, but as long as it wasn't clear that we did, it's all good. Yeeeehaw.
I bought myself orange juice, non-sour milk and yummy cookies to celebrate. And then I decided I should maybe redo the template of this page.
Probably not though, as I'm lazy (and have work to do).
Maybe I'll just save this template to summery colours. Mmmm... summer. I can almost feel it.
Oh. And I meant to mention this:
Jane's coming to Canada this summer!!! She'll be staying with Michelle again, in the same room she had, and she should be coming over end of June-ish.
So maybe I'll go visit her in England NEXT year :) ...
Anyway, I'm excited.
Road trips to Claire's house here we come.
And I'll try to have a "P.O.C" type pool party thing sometime this summer. Let's all be psyched, okay? You know you're in withdrawl from tfs-ies. Just admit it to yourself!,
Wow. So I'm really getting into the habit of leaving spaces in between my blogs... empty pockets of time in which I'm consumed with essays and the like and totally forget that my time could be better served (probably) rambling here.
The funny part is, even with those bits of time in which exciting things could feasibly happen, I have nothing to write. Because nothing exciting does happen, and all the little anecdotes that come to mind during the week, that make me right away think: "I should write this down!" dissapear as soon as I sit down in front of the monitor.
So for now all I guess I have to say is... Claire's not coming up to visit (she was going to), because I have rehearsals every night this week, and that makes me sad.
Hopefully other people will come see me after this week.
That would be nice.
It's 3 am.
I'm sitting here - meant to be working - thinking about how for some reason my stomach is turning over full of butterflies, nervous about nothing and everything at once.
I'm tired, but I don't want to sleep. I've been dreaming lately (strange... for me...) and I keep finding it dissapointing to wake up. Life is so perfect in dreams, and reality brings you back down to yourself and the things that always just elude you.
I'm almost hoping I have mono again, because I want there to be an easy way to explain my tired indifference.
Surprisingly, however, I'm really super stable right now.
It's like how the stablist position in a boat is right down in the bottom. As long as I stay crouched down here, I can't fall. So the only upward movement I'm allowing myself is in my head, and everything that runs through my mind is being taken with a big fat grain of salt.
Okay... hang on... that sounds terrible, doesn't it. Well it's not, really. I'm calm, this way, and that makes be happy in a way. Happy that I know what I want, even if I can't quite reach it. Happy that everything's simple and straightforward, that life is schoolwork and school, and that there's nothing else to be considered. Happy that I can count on my friends, and on myself.
I've always been more idealistic than I'd like to admit.
I always kind of wanted to be beautiful, and popular, in the back of my mind.
But... not really at all anymore.
The play I'm in goes up next week, I have a HUGE essay due friday, and I didn't work tonight.
I'm gonna go to bed, hoping against hope that I don't sleep through my alarm, and planning to go to the doctor.
And knowing that everything's okay, if not marvellous.
And okay is good enough for me.,
I can feel myself falling back down into a sort of somnolescent daze... Where my perspective on everything is affected by my complete inability to see clearly what's happening around me.
But... the more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm less affected by the circumstances around me which are unchangeable than those that I could change, if I had the guts.
But I don't, you know.
I really rely on other people to make me happy, and that's a really bad thing for someone who can be as volatile as me.
So I think... maybe... that I'm going to start trying to build up some courage. Some sort of immunity towards negative reactions that'll make me able to funciton towards stuff that's good for me.
Like getting myself to do my work.
Or sorting out my life in general.
Yeah... so there's a post that means alot of nothing to everyone.
Good thing it means something to me.,
So life lately has been a little bit more eventful than what I'm used to.
What with the rehearsals tuesdays and fridays (it's actually today this week rather than yesterday, though), late classes on wednesdays and riding on thursdays, my normal way of functioning's been completely throwns off.
You know how in highschool you'd get home at like 4:30 or something, and then dinner would be coming up so you'd do your work after it?
Well the problem with always being out until ten-ish is that my work doesn't really... how can I say this... get done.
So I've got to figure out a way to work around that. I'm sure I will this week, seeing as how I've got a major essay due.
Anyway, on to other things.
Last night most of my floor went out to see one of our floormates scratch at Alfie's (a campus bar). I love stuff like that. I love that it got everybody out together (or mostly everybody, considering one girl is underage and lost her all ages access card, and a couple people were home or out elsewhere).
It was good.
You know I love that kind of thing.
Anyway, then we came back here and and a couple of us watched Shrek.
Aaaand I realized something about myself.
And gave myself a good kick in the ass.
So I'd best be on my way to brunch now, and then at 5 I have drunk rehearsal (where I'll have to drink whenever I mess up a line... oh joy).,
Well I've really got nothing to say that's interesting, but I'd like to share this link with everyone.
As much as there's a mathematical reason it works, its CRAZY while you don't know it.
Name: Cat Home: Edinburgh, United Kingdom About Me: Managed to graduate from Queen's, and am now in Teacher training at Edinburgh.
Not much else to be said. See my complete profile
